This Month's People Who Need A Good Cock-Punching

Donald Trump If you don't know why Donald Trump needs a good, hard cock-punching, then welcome back from Mars. Among other things, he's body-slammed pretty much all Mexicans ("Who's doing the raping?"), screwed his creditors by declaring bankruptcy four times, and —getting back to rape — the draft-dodging daddy's boy, who has never served anything other than his own puerile interests, mocked US military brass by implying that sexual assault is the natural consequence of men and women working together (to answer your previous question Donald, I guess the US armed forces are doing the raping). Oh, and he dissed Senator John McCain for being captured and held as a POW in Vietnam, though he himself secured a series of draft deferments to avoid serving his country. Thank God for that. Can anybody imagine how fucked we'd be if somebody put Donald Trump in a position to defend our country? Oh, wait...Kirk Hammett

Flying in the face of fact, common sense and elementary logic, Metallica's Kirk Hammett recently claimed to be the very first guitarist to create an effects pedal, stating, "I think it’s the first time you’ll see a pedal company actually being driven by an actual guitar player, like Tom Scholz and Rockman – I really don’t know of any other guitar players out there who are actually making pedals."  Think about that for a second — how in the world could a pedal be invented if the designer were NOT a guitarist? Did Kirk think that the scores of effects pedals he's used through the years were mass-produced by bespectacled electronics nerds in underground labs, putting these intricate wire boxes together and then saying, "Man, I have no idea what this could be good for, but maybe somebody will find a use for it..." When Kirk goes to NAMM, does he walk around wearing a blindfold and holding his hands over his ears, shouting "LALALALA... I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!" whenever he walks by one of the hundreds of guitar players demonstrating pedals they designed? How in this wacky, post-Hindenburg world could an effects pedal see the blinding light of day without some guitarist behind the whole design? When Kirk refused to back off of his comments, the music industry laid into him like a SWAT team storming a meth lab.  Somebody needs to treat his cock like a speed bag. *

Every one of these idiots who killed the poor little dolphin

A beach full of mind-numbingly selfish, dim-witted and morally-parched Argentinian assholes pulled this little dolphin out of the water and held it up for a bunch of their shithead friends to take pictures of them with it. They actually pulled two small dolphins from the water — both of whom happened to be of the rare and endangered variety  — but even if these sensitive, intelligent and beautiful creatures were as common as pigeons, ripping them from the water and passing them around a noisy, grabby mob like bottle of tanning oil amounts to a uniquely cruel level of depravity. This looks like a scene from the Middle East, where an angry crowd descends on some poor bastard and tears him limb from limb, hoisting his lifeless body up on a stick and parading him through town. These people are just as bad. Ever single one of these people — man, woman and child — deserves an absolutely ferocious cock-punching from Conor McGregor. Nothing less will do. Dennis WidemanThis fucking guy! He checks a linesman from behind — skating up behind him, raising both arms and battering him all to holy Hell — then goes, sits down on the bench, and chats with his buddy, chill as you like. Amazingly, in a jaw-dropping display of Kirk Hammett-like fantasy, Wideman would later claim that he didn't see the linesman. Even if we didn't have the whole sordid affair on HD video, and even if there were some margin of truth to his defense, wouldn't  Wideman have simply bumped into the official, instead of say, raising his arms, pulling his stick back and pounding the living shit out of the guy? Given that Wideman had just withstood a pant-shitting hit himself, he had somewhat plausibly claimed that his bell had been rung so badly that he wasn't responsible for or cognizant of his actions. But seriously, look at his demeanor on the bench after he unloads on the linesman and make your own decision. Now, I don't think anybody would confuse Dennis Wideman with a rocket scientist, but he managed to frustrate even his most generously ardent defenders when the NHL produced a text message that Wideman sent after the fact, saying, “(t)he only problem and the only reason I’m here is cause the stupid refs and stupid media.” Jesus! At least pretend to feel some remorse for cheap-shotting a defenseless ref. After knocking the guy to the ice, he didn't even turn around to see if the guy was OK. I'd nominate the linesman to deliver the cock-punching.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nj4PoDrqv-E Hilary ClintonThis ultra-smug oxygen thief worries me almost as much as Trump. She voted for the war in Iraq, opposed gay marriage until it started interfering with her electability and she's lied about somewhere around a million really important things. Like the time she said that she was caught under sniper fire in Bosnia, when the video showed her casually strolling across the tarmac, shaking hands and smiling without so much as an angry pigeon flying above her. Perhaps she was thinking about Brian Williams? Or when she said that her family were dead broke when they left the White House, when in fact they made $12 million in Bill's first year as a private citizen. There is no corner of the known Universe where $12 million qualifies as anything but stupidly fucking wealthy. Or that she played a critical role in establishing the Northern Ireland peace process when both Unionist and Nationalist negotiators told the Telegraph that she played no part in the gruelling negotiations that took years to bring to fruition. Don't get me started on Benghazi, her private emails or any of the other super-shady dealings in which she has emerged as a key player. Not sure who should give HIllary her cock-punching. Maybe a stone mason from Belfast with really big hands. Metal Hammer TrollsIf you ever want proof that humanity is a species in decline, go over to Metal Hammer's Facebook page and read the comments to pretty much any story. Metal Hammer could post a cure for cancer and receive only outraged, snarky condemnations from the rattle-throwing pram riders of the comment section. With the notable exceptions of sites like Deadspin, message boards seem to attract the most troubled, maladjusted, angry and misanthropic crybabies in the world, but dear sweet Axl on a popsicle stick... There is practically nothing that Metal Hammer can post that won't draw the dreary, self-important bleatings of these people, who, from the anonymous safety of their bedrooms, rehash lame, yawn-inducing, dead horse-flogging Corey Taylor jokes with a bewildering sense of triumph. The beauty of the Internet is that we don't have to agree on anything, but following a metal magazine only to consistently bitch about their stories is exceedingly cock-punch-worthy.  Should be administered by all members of Cannibal Corpse.  * UPDATEKirk has since come back from his vacation in the land of unicorns, leprechauns and guitar pedals invented only by non-guitarists and tweeted a mea culpa. Good on ya, Kirk, but you still get your tackle pounded for letting this all happen in the first place.