Texas Rangers Shatter Long-Held Notion That Professional Sports Teams Are Run By Shitheads

If you threw down a deposit on some season tickets for the Texas Rangers this year, the team offered to write off the rest of your balance if you could accomplish a simple test of hand, eye and strength coordination — hitting a blast out of Globe Life Park. According to last year's MLB statistics, Globe Life Park ranks 12th in the most home run-friendly parks, even for the major leaguers facing the pant shitting speed and movement of major league pitching. Still, for your average dude who hasn't played hardball since high school, it's still pretty fucking hard to do. Which is why the team would even hold such an event — there's simply no way any MLB CFO would sign off on any deal where fans had a decent chance to score free or deeply-discounted seats. But just to stack the odds a bit more, the team limited each person's attempt to three pitches — not even an official MLB at bat. Nonetheless, Byron Anderson plunked down $2,000 of his kids' college fund for a half-season plan for two terrace seats, and trundled up to the plate, where he took the third and final pitch into the left field lower reserved seats. Out of twenty punters who entered, he was the sole — and apparently unexpected — winner.The Rangers not only held up their end of the bargain, but they upgraded Anderson's plan to the Lexus Club Box and doubled his package from two seats to four. All in, they hooked a brother up with over $8,000 in tickets. In a world where professional sports team owners routinely extort money from taxpayers for glitzy new stadiums and annually jack up beer, hot dog and other concessions to eye-watering prices, it's intensely cool that the Rangers would go so far above and beyond for one of their fans.