The Grammy Awards Don't Ever Pass Up The Opportunity To Flaunt Their Diaper-Filling Irrelevance

...and the 2016 Grammy Award for the Best Rock Album goes to Muse, for Drones! Wait, what? Slipknot just lost to Muse? The only way Muse should have won tonight was if they handed out a new award called Most Milquetoasty Coldplay-Sounding Album Of The Year, in which case, Muse's occasionally-thrilling but unbalanced and inconsistent seventh album should have won hands-down. Still, anybody thinking that Slipknot had a chance this year need only look at the stylistically-splattered competition to see that the deck was stacked against them, with James Bay, Highly Suspect and Death Cab For Cutie rounding out the nominees. There is only one place in the known Universe where Death Cab For Cutie and Slipknot could ever get lumped together, and that place is a fucking Grammy nomination. If you are sort of miffed, but not quite outraged, then dig this — Iron Maiden's Book Of Souls did not get so much as a pat on the ass. That's right - the Grammy Powers That Be deemed Death Cab For Cutie, James Bay and Highly Suspect more rock-worthy than Iron Maiden.In fairness to Muse, a number of mainstream outlets wrapped their lips around Matt Bellamy's politically-charged opus and went to town, practically choking on overblown metaphors to hail the greatness of Drones. Such effusive reviews poured in from Rolling Stone ("Muse get back to the fiery rock that they do best, laced with new passion and principle"), USA Today ("The trio stays on track, both thematically and musically"), The Sunday Times ("Staggeringly beautiful") andThe Telegraph ("Thrilling Madness"). AllMusic saw things a bit differently, concluding, "this absurdly overstuffed synthesis is unmistakably Muse's own, so thunderous it drowns out any good intentions the band may have had." I gave Drones more than a fair shot, throwing it on repeat for two days after purchasing it but it failed to resonate with me. I just couldn't find any of those meaty, wall-trembling hooks that underpin my favourite rock albums. The musicianship is there in spades, of course, but Muse seem to be trying too hard to be "important," through a proggy blitz of synthy tempos, sanctimonious lyricism and hyperindulgent production. Slipknot would have been a ballsy choice — too ballsy for the same stuffed-shirt Grammy committee who have previously doled this award out to well-established mainstream swimmers like the Black Keys, the Foo Fighters and Beck.In other news, Sweden's Ghost won for Best Metal Performance for Cirice, beating out Slipknot, Sevendust, Lamb of God and August Burns Red. Metal trolls across the globe are sharpening their fangs and flocking to social media to noisily lament that Ghost are not metal! But fuck those guys. Ghost have conjured a uniquely captivating sound that draws generously from 70s proto-metal while filtering their playfully sinister occult imagery through the melodic prism of pop, demanding that listeners reconsider their definitions of "heavy."Of course, leave it to the Grammy committee to remind everybody how out of touch they are, even when they get things right. Rather than invite some metal musician or producer like Rick Rubin to present the Best Metal Performance award, they asked producer Jimmy Jam to hand it out. That's right, as one final, bright, shining "Fuck You" to heavy metal, they asked the dude who produced Janet Jackson, George Michael and Boyz II Men to hand out tonight's Best Metal Performance Award. But let us light a candle rather than curse the darkness. Here, my friends, is the 2016 Grammy Award-winning Ghost.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0Ao4t_fe0I