I’m Live Blogging The Oscars Because I’m Overpowered By A Crippling Sense Of Self-Loathing

6:06 p.m. I just turned the Awards on and some stilted Justin Bieber lookalike is warbling some crap-assed monument to overproduction in a skin-blistering falsetto. I hope it gets better.

6:08 They’re talking about The Big Short right now, which was a great book, and playing Nirvana as they show a montage from that movie. I’m sure Kurt would be stoked to know that a bunch of millionaires in tuxes were flogging movies to the soundtrack of his personal hell.

jk simmons6:09 J.K. Simmons is about to hand out the Best Supporting Actress award. Remember when his character anally raped Lee Tergesen’s character in Oz and then tattooed a swastika on his ass? Because that’s all I’m thinking about right now while I’m watching J.K. Simmons. In fact, that’s pretty much all I ever think about when I see J.K. Simmons.

alicia_vikander6:12 Alicia Vikander wins for The Danish Girl. I know nothing about this movie, but I got really shitfaced one night in Denmark with an orange juice baron and a couple of co-workers. We drank Gammel Dansk and listened to some guy sing Eagles songs in the window of a lifeless bar. From that point on, we could have robbed a bank and I wouldn’t remember. Because that’s what happens when you drink Gammel Dansk.

6:19 Cate Blanchett is presenting the award for Best Costume Design. I don’t give a shit so I’m going to go make a chili dog.

6:27 Mad Max: Fury Road just won a couple of awards for production design and some sort of makeup deal type thing. The presenters delivered a primer on not sounding like sanctimonious Hollywood assholes. I fear their example will linger unnoticed by subsequent winners. In other news, this chili dog is off the hook. #NoAnimalsHarmed

6:31 Wow. I need to make these more often. In fact, I’m giving my own personal Oscar to this supremely tasty, rib-sticking, vegetarian entree: Best Chili Dog During An Awards Show Live Blog!


6:35 Chris Rock just delivered a clunky joke about Suge Knight. I missed his opening monologue and I hope to hell that it’s funnier than the corny junk he’s been spouting off so far.

6:38 Some ponytailed dude is accepting an award for The Revenant. They keep showing the director of that movie, Alejandro González Iñárritu, smiling benevolently while a dude who looks exactly like Pete Townshend sits behind him. Maybe Pete’s there to “research” Spotlight.

6:43 They just did a legit funny sketch for Black History Month. Like I’m sure every other viewer, I was strapping in for a ham-fisted exploitation of BHM, but instead it turned out to be a joke featuring Jack Black. Well done, Academy.

6:45 I like this deal they’re doing when somebody wins, text rolls beneath the winner, listing all the people they’d like to thank. The producers apparently asked the nominees to submit these lists in advance as a way to shorten speeches. Which means that the graphics team putting the texts together knew who had won and who didn’t. How funny must that have been, getting an email from some costume designer from some shitty foreign language short with like thirty people they want to thank for an award they didn’t win. Can you picture what the project room sounded like when one of those emails came through? “Hah! Thank them all yourself when you go home — WITHOUT AN AWARD, LOSER! HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

6:49 Live blogging is exhausting. Mad Max won another one of those fringe awards, where we know that what the people did was really important to the movie, but then again, so wasn’t the dude who made sure there were plenty of ketchup packets in the catering tent.

6:51 Wow, I hate the spacing in this theme. Sometimes I get the extra row, sometimes I don’t. I feel like Governor William J. Lepetomane.

6:55 Oh Christ, like three people nobody outside of their immediate families has ever heard of are sharing some award right now. YAWN.

6:58 Jason Segel and some chick are re-presenting an award that was given two weeks ago. The chick is delivering her lines like she’s reading a cue card that somebody is holding on the other side of the room as they jump up and down. Is it that fucking complicated to memorize fifty words?

moose tracks7:05 More Chris Rock. His kids are now selling Girl Scout Cookies to the people in the auditorium. I see no less than thirty people in the crowd who should immediately be inducted into the Fake Ass Smile Hall Of Fame.

7:12 Inside Out just won for Best Animated Feature. I actually saw this movie! My nieces insisted that we all watch this the last time I was home visiting. Loads of laugh out loud moments, cutesy-pie fun and a decent message for kids. At one sad point in the movie, my four year-old niece began sobbing uncontrollably. It was really funny.

7:14 Oh no… they’re about to do another song. Ugh! It’s The Weekend doing some tune from Fifty Shades Of Gray. So this is The Weekend? He looks like he’s got a cat on his head. What the fuck? Instead of watching this God-awful performance, check out the disastrous Twitter Q&A with Fifty Shades Of Gray author E.L. James.

7:22 Reese Witherspoon and some other chick are talking about that Tom Hanks movie about the Cold War. Holy crap! This other presenter is Kate Winslet. I thought it was some seat-filler who accidentally got dragged up on stage. What’s with her dress? Didn’t she have a mirror in the house before she left?

7:24 Listening to Hollywood talk about Hollywood’s lack of diversity. Chris Rock is doing a comedy bit where he interviews people on the street about the lack of diversity, asking one guy to clarify if the lack of black people nominated makes him angry enough to punch a white man. So yeah, there’s that.

Seriously... I'm so fucking high right now...

Seriously… I’m so fucking high right now…

7:28 Patricia Arquette, sounding like she’s just slammed a piping hot shot of black tar heroin into her arm, is introducing the nominees for Best Supporting Actor. She was awesome in True Romance.

7:32 Mark Rylance wins for Bridge Of Spies. No desire to see that film. And they started playing the exit music while he was still speaking. I have to admit, I love that. Hollywood’s elegant way of telling somebody to shut the fuck up in front of ten million people.

7:34 You know what made that chili dog great? Mustard. I fried my veggie dog in Earth Balance, then fried the bun in there as well, then dropped the hot dog on the bun and smothered it in yellow mustard. Then I poured half of a can of Amy’s medium spice chili on there. It was so good that I didn’t give my dogs a single bite. When I finished and showed them the empty plate, they looked at me like I had just been dipped in sewage.

7:37 Here’s the award for Best Documentary Short Film. Not Documentary Feature, but Documentary Short Film. Louis C.K. is presenting and absolutely killing it, pointing out that the people who win this award are not going to make a single dime off of their work and that when the show’s over, they’ll likely drive home in a Honda Civic. He gets the first genuine round of applause I’ve heard all night. Then he begins to read off the winner and says it goes to… Mad Max, before announcing the winner, Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy. She gets the “Shut the Fuck Up” music as well.

7:41 Ooh! The next presenters are two actors wearing REALLY SERIOUS FACES. Must be Best Documentary Feature!

7:42 They’re still running through the documentary nominees but I have Spotify up and I just put on some Waylon Jennings. Because that’s where I’m at right now.

7:44 Amy won. I suppose I should see that film at some point, but after watching those last two uber-depressing Kurt Cobain documentaries, I fear that only an Adam Sandler/Rob Schneider marathon will get me back on emotional track. Talk about dark…

Millionaires Helping Millionaires

Millionaires Helping Millionaires

7:50 Chris Rock just announced that his daughters raised $65,000 by selling Girl Scout cookies to the actors and power brokers. So if you’ve been paying attention, we’ve been harangued with messages about racial equality, economic injustice, social struggles and all-around serious shit, and we’re now asked to applaud that the four daughters of a successful Hollywood actor just raised $65K in ten minutes for the Girl Scouts. A boon for social justice and much-needed relief for homeless and starving Girl Scouts around the world! Also, a ginormous “F.O.” to all of the homeless people of downtown L.A.

7:54 More serious-face stuff about Hollywood’s need for inclusion. Because Hollywood talking about Hollywood’s need to do better for Hollywood simply hasn’t induced enough gags just yet. YOU ARE ALL HOLLYWOOD! Stop acting like you’re talking to some maleficent overlord on a faraway planet, insisting that he improve living conditions here on Earth. Fix your own shit!

7:56 People who complain about Dave Grohl being everywhere have a new round of ammo, as the Foo Fighters frontman and all-around good dude plays Blackbird against Hollywood’s annual montage of industry people who died in the past year. Very well-done.

8:03 Looking around this auditorium, I wonder how many people have coke in their jacket pockets.

8:04 Two little kids are presenting Best Live Action Short film. They only gave the kids one microphone, adjusted to the height of the taller kid, who speaks broken English. The smaller kid is standing on a wooden box, speaking into thin air, only some of which is getting captured by the microphone. You can’t hear one and you can’t understand the other. It’s a shit show. Somebody’s head is going to fucking roll for this travesty.

Screen Shot 2016-02-28 at 8.24.28 PM

8:07 Are we there yet?

8:07 Fuck the Best Foreign Language film. I’m going to double down on some Denali Extreme Moose Tracks mint ice cream.

Cool as the other side of the pillow

Cool as the other side of the pillow

8:10 Holy shit! Joe Biden is on stage right now. He’s talking about sexual abuse. He’s asking everyone — himself included — to take a pledge saying that they will intervene in any situation where consent is not given and somebody is struggling for help. I tried to go to the site he mentioned: http://itsonus.org to get the actual pledge but I can’t get to the site. Every live blogger on the planet must be doing the exact same thing. I wonder if every other live blogger is picturing Joe Biden kicking down a dorm room door and punching the ever-loving-shit out of some boozy, blonde-haired frat boy making unwanted advances on his date from the spring formal.

8:14 Lady Gaga continues to prove that she’s anything but an overproduced pop music flash-in-the-pan with a devastating piano number in support of sexual assault victims. She must have figured out that the whole “Look at me! I wear weird costumes!” thing doesn’t pan out in the long run. In other news, anyone heard from Björk lately?

8:22 I just realised that the Telegraph has three people live blogging these awards. Good Christ, it’s not rocket science, guys.

8:34 Missed the last two awards so I could take the dogs outside to do their business. I now see the wisdom of the Telegraph paying three people to live blog the awards — piss breaks.

8:39 Alejandro González Iñárritu just won for Best Director for The Revenant. He went over his allotted time, so they started playing the “Go Fuck Yourself” music but he kept talking and finally they turned the music off! Then he finished. Nobody puts Niña in the corner!

8:40 The Revenant was crazy good, though I can’t imagine not seeing it in the theater. By the halfway point of the infamous bear attack scene, I caught myself leaning forward in my seat and not breathing. It was intense. Know what else is intense? Eating a jumbo-sized Kit Kat in less than two minutes, which is exactly what I did while I was waiting for that film to start. Seriously, somebody should have drawn a chalk outline around the wrapper. It was savage.

8:44 The dude presenting Best Actress is looking at the wrong camera every single time they change the view. Either they’re not using the cameras with the red lights or the producer snuck out to take a leak. They should have used the Telegraph’s team/piss break system and used three producers.

8:48 Brie Larson just won for Room. I know nothing about the actress nor the movie but for some reason, they’re playing Big Rock Candy Mountain as she walks up to claim her award. Was that part of the movie? Anyway, her speech is short and dignified. No GFY music for Brie!


8:54 Julianne Moore is presenting the award for Best Actor. Comeoncomeoncomeoncomeon. She’s awesome, by the way. She’s rocked all of her roles, but at the end of the day, she’ll always be Maude Lebowski to me.

9:55 …and the Oscar goes to Leonardo DiCaprio! He was pretty tight in The Revenant. Seems like only yesterday that he was shitting all over the Irish accent in Gangs Of New York and Titanic. Well done, Leo. Whoops- he’s off on a climate change tangent now. Brief smattering of applause. No “Fuck You” music yet. They’re giving him the keys to the car on this one. He’s still going! You give ’em hell, Leo!!

8:58 Are we going to put this to bed by 9 o’clock? No way. Not with Morgan Freeman presenting the award for Best Picture. I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that The Revenant gets upset and Spotlight wins.


9:00 Congrats to the Spotlight team for winning the 2016 Academy Award for Best Picture. I just saw this movie last night. Intensely well-done, provocative and richly-deserving of the award. Good for journalism, good for the actors, good for the Boston Globe and good for the victims of the Boston diocese sexual abuse scandal. Hard watching, but well worth it.

9:02 Chris Rock is back on stage talking about “Black Lives Matter” and Girl Scout Cookies in the same sentence. People keep talking about how edgy his monologue was but from what I’ve seen tonight, he makes Jay Leno look like Sam Kinison. If they ask him to host next year, you’re going to read someone else’s live blog.