Delta Flight Attendant Steals Booze, Concocts Shittiest Business Plan Ever

Rachel Trevor could fuck up a lemonade stand

It was only a matter of time before somebody privatized liquor sales as Uber did with taxis and Airbnb did with hotels. Police recently arrested an enterprising 28 year-old Delta flight attendant whom they allege had been snarfing those mini-bottles of booze from the airplane’s liquor cart and selling them online. Police claim that Rachel Trevor wrapped up her shifts by filling her bag with fistfuls of those jaunty little alcoholism-maintenance kits, then skipped home and listed them on Craigslist at a deeply-discounted rate of a dollar a bottle. Considering that thirsty travelers normally plunk down $8 a pop for those bad boys, Trevor’s scheme bordered on outright charity. In fact, the most noteworthy aspect of this story is not that a stewardess stole booze from a plane but that it was all part of the Shittiest Business Plan Of All Time. F minus!

First, even counterfeit money traffics at higher than 12%. She should be pumping her shots for at least half off! Jittery, chain-smoking bargain hunters would be lining up around the corner of her condo building for hours waiting for some half-priced nips of Seagram’s or whatever she was able to dump into her bag before the maintenance crew rolled into the cabin. Not only has Rachel’s price point redefined the concept of “epic failure,” but who the fuck buys nips on Craigslist? She doesn’t know her customers at all. People who buy nips anywhere but on an airplane aren’t the type of people who plan their drinking that far out, let alone via a prolonged cycle of online shopping, text message negotiations and eventual meet-ups in some sunny Wal-Mart parking lot to inspect and purchase a couple ounces of gin for $4. When these people want booze, they’re pretty clear on what needs to happen. But police are saying she pillaged Delta for upwards of 1,500 bottle, so there obviously are some tech-savvy liquor enthusiasts out there lazy enough to shop for booze online and cheap enough to only buy it in $1 increments. I submit that our society in general would be infinitely safer if these were the people who were locked up instead of this plucky and industrious young member of the hospitality industry.