February 20: A plot of earth. You’re given a plot of land and the financial resources to do as you please. What’s the plan?
I don’t think I’m hitting anybody with a Sixth Sense-type ending when I share that my first and overriding design is to render the property a sprawling dog rescue. Sure, we’re talking plenty of lush green acres for roaming, running and frolicking to all holy hell with each other, but seeing as how somebody else is footing the bill, let’s talk about the dog pool. Because when it gets warm in the summer, they’d get bored sitting around all day on their plush dog beds in their climate-controlled range of suites. Therefore we’ll have an Olympic-sized pool and instead of steps in and out of the pool, the floor on the entrance would be graded so little dogs could wade around in the shallow end and the big dogs could dive in with reckless abandon. We’d have a giant slide, a little outdoor shower with hoses to clean everybody off and of course, regular pool maintenance services to ensure the cleanest and safest swimming conditions for all parties involved. Should any of the critters commit an unthinkable party foul and relieve themselves around the pool area, they will be given a five minute major and placed in a cooling off pen towards the side end of the pool, which will basically be a big U-shaped dog bed with fans pouring warm breezes into the pen. Because we’re not savages.
I’d probably open it up to cats and bunnies as well, but that would all be second phase shit.
The hockey rink would sit at the other side of the compound and would be full NHL-sized, complete with state-of-the-art cooling systems, a sound system worthy of the Staples Center and a Zamboni painted with flames and skulls. There would be a cafeteria inside where rink staff would eat for free (up to $60 of cafeteria food per week, after that all staff food purchases would be at a 50% discount, automatically deducted from their weekly paycheck). I’d open it for public skating every day from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. Otherwise I’d rent it out for local hockey leagues, keeping 2-3 hours a day open for my friends and I to have pickup games. The locker rooms would come with individual lockers, showers, sauna and whirlpool and vending machines (all free), would dispense Monster, Rock Star, bottled water and beer for my drinking friends. They would also sell every type of M&M known to man, as well as tape, laces and hockey wax.
The eight-bedroom estate would sit at the other side of the property, and as I’m out of time, I’ll simply say that the most popular rooms would be the recording studio, gym, theater and meditation studio. Because a guy’s got to stay grounded when surrounded by so much rad shit.