Foo Fighters Make Me Look Like An Asshole [UPDATE]

Those impish Foos! Dave Grohl just owned the shit out of me, the music industry and everybody else with nothing better to do than lob snarky commentary at passing headlines. Turns out that they’re not, in fact going on indefinite hiatus – they’re just fucking with us. Well-played, you dicks...

We writers live by the sword and die by the sword, so in fairness to to the Foos, my readers and my crumbling self-esteem — but mostly for your schadenfreudesque pleasure — I leave my original feature entirely intact. Dammit…

======

March 2, 2016, 6:04 p.m.

TAYLOR HAWKINS MAKES BAND REPRESENTATIVE LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE

 

Oooh! Ominous!

Oooh! Ominous!

Rumours swirled this morning on the heels yesterday’s enigmatic Foo Fighters tweet that a band announcement was forthcoming. Holy shit. An announcement regarding an announcement? What sort of big-timey, overblown, fake-ass hype is that? One thing’s for sure — Dave’s traveled one hell of a long way from the bullshit-free, punk rock ethos of his hardcore days. But Dave’s a neat guy who loved Lemmy and who has consistently disproven the Zeppelin-inspired notion that all rock stars are vapid, narcissistic assholes. So Dave gets a break. Nonetheless, for future reference for any bands out there, cryptic tweets about forthcoming news — from and about the tweeter — is about as rock and roll as sending a bundt cake to your accountant after another great year. Just make the damned announcement when you’re ready. Jesus.

Did somebody say "solo"?

Notwithstanding the dramatic social media posturing, the tweet kicked the music sites into high gear. Page Six led the charge with a purportedly inside source claiming that, amid band tensions, Dave was going solo, essentially dissolving the band, and that drummer Taylor Hawkins was “pissed” about it.” That story spread like this winter’s crippling, 104 degree-fever, I’m-sweating-no-I’m-freezing-no-I’m-sweating flu and by mid-afternoon, many had already accepted the story as a fait accompli. A Foo Fighters representative then stepped up and not simply cast doubt on the story, but bitterly disputed the allegations, calling them “utterly ridiculous.” There’s no word on whether the band representative angrily threw a pen down on their desk while yelling into the phone to underscore the rumour’s utter ridiculousness.

Hours later, Artisan News upstaged the Foos by running an interview with Taylor — FROM JANUARY — in which he apparently claims that that the band are going on indefinite hiatus. Specifically, in this video interview, Hawkins says, “We’re on ihateus (sic) right now, we’re on an indefinite ihateus,” explaining that the decision “was not because we don’t love each other, or don’t want to make music together … We did so much in the last five or six years — we as a band could go into the studio tomorrow and have just as much fun as we ever had, but I think the world needs a break from us for a little while.”

That shattering sound you just heard was that band representative’s music industry credibility making its way to the floor.

Anybody looking for a shirtless drummer with Marcia Brady hair and a dreamy smile?

Anybody looking for a shirtless drummer with Marcia Brady hair and a dreamy smile?

Anybody who believes for a minute that the Foos are done is high on crack. Boredom, benefit gigs and seven-figure paydays will eventually coax the band — in one form or another — out of retirement within the next few years, if not sooner. I’d say the over/under is two years. In the meantime, here’s an absolutely blistering document of what the Foos can do when they’re feeling happy and chummy. And when Brian May and Roger Taylor show up.