January’s Person Who Deserves A Good Cock-Punching

Admitted pedophile Dennis Hastert is mad as hell, and he’s not going to take it anymore!

So just to get everybody up to speed, before ultra-creepy former House speaker Dennis Hastert (R-Ill.) became the sanctimonious blowhard who excoriated President Clinton for “betraying the public trust” in 1998, he spent a good chunk of his life raping teenage boys. And talk about brass balls, this is the same state rep who urged that serial child molesters — like the kind he is — be given life sentences in prison. Hey, no argument there, right?

Anyhoo, one of his victims sought him out years later and said something along the lines of, “Um, you fucking raped me dude, and I’m going to tell everybody unless you start filling my checking account with some restitution.” $3.5 million later, the guy talked to the feds anyway, who ultimately nailed Hastert with a 15 month sentence for making illegal cash withdrawals as part of the extortion scheme and of course, for lying to the feds. Whoops. So much for the whole public trust thing. A sign of all delusional narcissistic assholes who fuck over good people to cover up their own unbelievable douchiness, Hastert issued a weak-ass apology in which he implied that he was somehow a victim of the whole deal: “Mr. Hastert is deeply sorry and apologizes for his misconduct that occurred decades ago and the resulting harm he caused to others. He will stand before the court having deteriorated both physically and emotionally, undoubtedly in part due to public shaming and humiliation of an unprecedented degree.”  If you think that’s galling, get what ol’ “Happy Hands” is up to now — he wants his money back! Yup- after raping the kid at age 14, he thinks that it’s bullshit that the kid broke their extortion arrangement and Hastert wants $1.7 million back. Must be looking to book a trip to Thailand when he gets out of the clink. Fuck that guy. He needs a cock punching as badly as anybody ever has.