August’s People Who Deserve A Good Cock-Punching

The summer of 2016 has finally ended and thank fucking God for that. Holy shit. I haven’t wanted something to be over this desperately since people started wearing Affliction clothing. Now that both are on the way out, we can resume our regularly-scheduled programming, and with that, our monthly survey of people who deserve a good, old-fashioned cock-punching.

Ryan Lochte

Hooooo-ey! This one pretty much speaks for itself. Pretty-boy swimmer pisses his way through Rio, lies to the cops, lies to the press, frosts his hair and loses all his endorsements. It’s bad enough that he’s caught dead-to-rights with his dick in hand on CCTV, painting the wall of a gas station with his boozy Olympic urine, after telling the media that he and his confederates were pulled out of a taxi and robbed at gunpoint. But he’s got the shiny brass bags to pass off his extravagant, well-articulated lie as “over-exaggerating.” That’s on par with Mike Krzyzewski’s appalling excuse for intentionally throwing a student athlete from another team under the bus after losing in this year’s NCAA tourney. You lied, brah – own it. While there’s an excellent chance that a security guard with a gun actually did put the screws to him for a bribe, Lochte’s persisting fictional accounts and his relentlessly vapid douchiness trump any sympathy one might possibly have for him. He deserves to have somebody batter his Speedo-tucked manhood with one of those miniature bats they sometimes hand out at major league baseball games. Enjoy this utterly sublime interview he recently gave to a Fox morning show.

This Summer

Fuck you, Summer of 2016. Just fuck you. I’d like to pound your seasonal junk with a fistful of quarters for the better part of a week.



Hope SoloHope Solo

That beer-swilling, nephew-punching goalie returns, once again reminding the world that she is a walking antonym for “classy.” Her latest gaffe came after the Swedish women’s soccer team ousted the US in the summer Olympics. Two principles guide every sport – play to win and device a strategy to make that happen. In that spirit, an efficient Sweden unveiled a defensively-oriented battle plan that baffled the US and sent Sweden into the next round. Aggressively dodging any hint of sportsmanship like a steaming spoonful of the Zika virus, the ever-embattled US goalie was quoted as saying, “We lost to a bunch of cowards. The better team did not win.” If the Harry Potter franchise whirrs back to life and they need a new cartoonishly-evil and thoroughly-distasteful sorcery professor from Slytherin, somebody needs to give Hope’s agent a heads up. Did she not get the memo at age six about how to act after you lose? The US Soccer Federation has since suspended the ponytailed PR nightmare and terminated her national team contract. Anatomical issues aside, I think a couple Swedish midfielders have earned the right to smash Hope’s junk while dancing around a May pole, slamming shots of aquavit and singing traditional Viking war chants.