June’s People Who Deserve A Good Cock-Punching


Brock Allen Turner

It’s time to throw on your punching hats again because this month’s cock-punch candidates have left all other contenders in the dust after ruthlessly conspiring to choke all signs of life out of our most basic concepts of law, common sense and justice. You’d think that these three notions should skip happily together through our court system, but nooooooooo… Not up there in Palo Alto, anyway.

Former Stanford swimmer Brock Allen Turner is a complete shit stain of a human being, his depravity rivaled only by his jaw-dropping sense of entitlement. In January, 2015, witnesses came across the senior athlete sexually assaulting an unconscious woman behind a dumpster on campus. Here is a man whose gilded path forward was lined with nothing but privilege and opportunity and yet upon finding an unconscious classmate, rather than protect her and get her home safely, he violated her in the most vile, gutless manner possible. His victim awoke on a gurney, bloodied, scraped and covered in pine needles, only to learn that 20 year-old Turner had helped himself to both her body and her dignity while she was unconscious. Thankfully two Stanford graduate students from Sweden — straight-up heroes— passing by on bicycles saw what was happening and intervened, though the damage had already been done. While giving his statement to the police at the scene, one of these grad students kept breaking down in tears, so traumatized was he from what he had just witnessed.

Found guilty of three felonies, Turner faced ten years in the Big House, but prosecutors recommended a sentence of six years. Judge Aaron Persky, in a baffling display of Head-Up-Ass syndrome, instead levied a giggle-inducing “punishment” of six months in county jail plus probation. Persky’s reasoning for this absolute blowjob of a sentence? “A prison sentence would have a severe impact on [Turner].” Well no shit, Your Honor. That’s the whole point of sending violent criminals to jail — to impact them severely so they think twice about re-offending. At least if the whole criminal justice thing doesn’t work out for Persky, he appears to be uncommonly well-suited for wearing a red nose, a giant squirting flower and big red shoes because he is an absolute fucking clown.

California's Newest Registered Sex Offender

California’s Newest Registered Sex Offender

“You took away my worth, my privacy, my energy, my time, my safety, my intimacy, my confidence, my own voice, until today,” the victim said to Turner in a victim impact statement that must have been delivered while Judge Persky was listening to his Breezy Afternoon Chill mix on his iPhone, because it obviously had zero effect on his ruling. “I am a human being who has been irreversibly hurt,” she said. But hey- let’s watch out for the swimmer! Don’t want any of this to impact him too severely.

Turner and Persky are runaway favorites for this month’s People Who Deserve A Good Cock Punching. Seriously, fuck those guys.