martian

We’ve Now Found Three Habitable Planets (Maybe). Here Are Ten Things We Need Before Moving There

(Presumably stoned) artist’s rendering of one of the three planets chilling next to its ultracool dwarf star

Good news for your great great great great great great grandkids — they’ve got options! That planet-erasing mass extinction event that’s been in the cards for eons might not be the end of homo sapiens after all. Looks like an international team of scientists (and if television is to be believed, they’re all hipsterish and good-looking and their director is a middle-aged black guy with heroic patience for nerd shenanigans), have found not one but three planets orbiting “an ultracool dwarf star.” Let’s just stop and applaud the superb gesture of classifying certain dwarf stars as “ultracool.” The downside is that they’re about 40 light years away. So there’s that. But in the “Plus” column, the sizes and temperatures compare favorably to Earth and Venus and while nobody’s stocking up on bulk toothpaste quite yet, the implication is clear — we need to send a multicultural team of astronauts to one of these planets as soon as possible, with the understanding that all but one or maybe two will die horribly in a grisly interstellar clusterfuck involving some weird space plague and/or an alien race that looks like it hatched from the mind of HR Giger.

This is my message to that future generation: Don’t go! At least don’t even think about going unless your scientists can prove that the planet to which you are relocating has all of the following:

  1. Air, water, decent temperatures and all of the basic biological necessities. Duh.
  2. Beaches! If your new world lacks balmy, ultracool beach destinations, give it a pass. Otherwise, what are you going to do for your holidays, sit around and throw space rocks at each other?
  3. Renewable energy. Like any sentient, right-thinking, emotional human being, at some point in your life, you’ll be consumed with a powerful need to listen to Led Zeppelin’s Physical Graffiti and when that happens, you don’t want to be staring at a dead iPod.
  4. Jogging paths. Don’t get fat.
  5. Know what sucks ass? Death by carcinoma. Demand trees for shade.
  6. Wifi. How else are you going to keep up with The Walking Dead, because you just know that that endless and depressing-as-fuck zombiepocalypse will still be a good five more seasons from wrapping everything up.
  7. Pumice stone because you don’t want to spend fifteen years hibernating in space ooze only to wake up with clogged, dusty pores. Reproducing will be one of the first orders of business and if you’re caked in red, runny acne, guess how many options you’re going to have in the planet’s new dating pool?
  8. Mountains for growing high-altitude coffee beans because if you’re facing the possibility of spending the remainder of your days drinking coffee made from shitty sea-level beans, you might as well jump out of the air lock on the way there.
  9. Insanely cute and cuddly creatures. If your new life will lack any type of snuggly critters, then opt for death by meteor. It’s just not worth it.
  10. A steep, jagged and preferably icy ravine that plunges hundreds of feet down through the planet’s crust and from which no rescue is possible. You’re going to need someplace to put your politicians so they don’t fuck this one up, too.

 

 

come on man